Seven years ago today, Nick helped me pick out my first Christmas tree for my first apartment. It was a Thursday night, two days after our first date. Nick's car was in the shop getting a new transmission, so he had a rental; a tiny Pontiac Sunfire. Although the car was a cute, sporty car, it wasn't exactly a "tree shopping" car.
Unfortunately, we had to do our shopping at a tree lot. Nick figured that, for a small apartment, I would get a small tree, and we should be able to stuff it in the back of the puny car. Little did he know!! Christmas trees are a weakness of mine. No matter how little room I have, I want the tallest, fullest tree possible. After selecting the perfect tree (as perfect as you can get from a tree lot), Nick had to run across the parking lot to the store to buy some rope to tie the tree to the top of the car. The tree was bigger than the Sunfire. Although it took up three quarters of my living room, it was just the tree I wanted.
Today, Nick went to get our Christmas tree. Once again (as in the previous years we've been in Alaska) he had to go to the tree lot at Home Depot. We have been lucky enough the last two years to get decent trees. This year, getting the best one he could, Nick came home with the saddest, skinniest tree we have ever gotten. I know that it is not the tree that makes Christmas, that the tree really has nothing to do with why we really celebrate Christmas. But it is something that has been a special part of my Christmases since I was a small child. Not only will I be thousands of miles from my extended family this year, I will also have to do my best to enjoy a puny tree. There is not even a good side to put in front. We'll just have to pick the least bad. I'm sure, once it's decorated, it will be more bearable; it will probably even be pretty.
I never thought that I would have to spend three Christmases here in Alaska. I naively thought that it would be easy for Nick to get a new position closer to home. There are some days that I fear I will die up here an old lady; that I will never get to be close to family again. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I had no family, to have nobody to miss. But I have a wonderful, loving family. And knowing what my boys are missing out on being close, and what my family is missing by not being able to watch my kids in these most precious years, breaks my heart everyday.
I want to go home.
1 comment:
I'm sorry it's so difficult for you right now. I miss you as well and wish we lived close enough that I could watch those beautiful boys grow up. Please be patient Trin, and know that God has a plan and that when we leave it in His hands, it works out better than we could have dreamed. I'm sending you a big hug and kiss from me - wrap yourself up in your quilt :-)
Love you,
Mom
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